What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
