there's paper in my vomit.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
