Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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