matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found puke in my bra..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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