Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
