One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
