thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
