Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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