I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
