my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
