Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
