I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
