i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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