Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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