i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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