just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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