So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
