I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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