God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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