Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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