nut hugger
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
