I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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