I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just had sex on a roof
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
