i can't believe i had my finger in that
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
