tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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