I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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