I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
