i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
