just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
How external is "for external use only"?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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