Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
