This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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