I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
