Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
