just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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