Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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