They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize