I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
