I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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