saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
