ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
