Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
