2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
