he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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