i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
