if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
