he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
