I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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