Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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