Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
