Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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