Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
