It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
