i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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