I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
