I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
