the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
