Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
